2008

2008 has been a year which I had started right with God but one that along the way, although still places God in my vision, started to take things in my own hands.

2008 has been a year of changes, situations and circumstances which I have never experienced before when I was still under the umbrella of the St.Margies family. As I go through changes after changes, situations after situations and circumstances after circumstances, insecurity built up and up and grew into pride. I was swept up in my own self-pity and my pride that I forgot what was God’s will for me, entertaining thoughts that I should never had especially that of escapism.

I took things in my own hands, I never shared my struggles and whatever that was inside me. I thought I could settle things on my own, I was selective when it came to outreach, I thought I was better than others, I was afraid to show others (even my friends) my vulnerability, afraid what people would think of me, afraid of judgments.

Despite not fitting into the group I was supposed to fit into, God blessed me with friends within the church who I enjoy being with and where I can fit into. These friendships God gave, and I enjoyed but I didn’t trust enough. I didn’t trust enough to tell them my struggles and they only grew and grew. Then it only came to me so recently that if I had trusted these friendships enough earlier, they would have helped me grow and overcome my struggles and I wouldn’t be in such a stupid cui state like this.

Although 2008 was a year of cuiness, and one that I took things in my own hands, it shall not end so. 2008 is going to end right with God as well, for I (finally) acknowledge my pride, my struggles, my vulnerability and His will for me. And now though I am afraid, and I know its not going to be easy,  I go on a journey in which I will go towards growth, breakthroughs and breaking out of my shell.

My God is not worth giving up for anything in this world, Mila Ariel will choose to smile and hold on to her God’s mighty hands.  :)

私もケンゾウのようですね。

(watashi mo kenzou no you desu ne.
= i’m also pretty much like kenzou, aren’t i ?)

i’ve finally finished watching proposal daisakusen and i really love this drama. definitely one that i would like to re-watch again and again. (: it helps that kenzou is so cute. HAHA.

and i really love pi and all his drama characters! from the retardedly cute but always honest and trusting akira, the superbly cool and shut himself away from all people kurosaki and of course, kenzou who is actually very yasashi but always not showing it. (: but i still hate pi’s curly-wurly hair and i hope johnny-san will get a new stylist soon. seriously, pi’s hair, ryo’s hair and matsujun’s new hair are all horrid. pi should totally go back to the kenzou hair, hoho!

anyway, after watching prodai and reflecting on how life have been for the past week has made me realise that i’m actually pretty much like kenzou myself. kenzou is a person that does not talk much, and does not share much about what is going through within him with his friends. he has a group of great friends who never fails to bring him laughter and joy and he knows that he is loved. but yet he doesn’t initiate to share what are his true feelings and sometimes he is pretty unnoticed and silent.

and i realise i’m like that as well. i am always pretty silent. i don’t really talk much and i don’t initiate to share my deepest emotions and thoughts and whatever that is going on within me. if there are things that i’m sharing about, its pretty much about everyday life, nothing deep. i know that i do have friends who love me and they do bring me laughter and joy, but then i don’t initiate to share to them my thoughts and feelings either, and i don’t deny that sometimes i feel pretty unnoticed.

but it’s not that my friends are unapproachable. i think that the reason why i don’t initiate sharing my thoughts and feelings and whatever that is going through in my heart is probably because i don’t know if people actually want to know about them. that’s why i will only share when my friends actually question me. i don’t like to initiate telling people deep stuff because i don’t know if they will be interested to even know.

i suppose that this has something got to do with my own insecurity as well. but then sometimes, i really can’t help but to feel unnoticed, be it with the clique in school or even the group of good friends that i have in church. maybe unnoticed is not the word, but i feel that people are not interested to know what is really going through in my life because no one asks anything. honestly speaking, sometimes it makes me kind of sad. haha. and i know that i would try to mask any signs of sadness because i don’t want anyone to worry about me but i don’t deny there are times that i am sad that no one notices my sadness.

o my, no wonder melancholy monster has been haunting me.. HAHA. i’m so emo!

i think i’m going to invest in a copy of the book Captivating, because i think i need such a book to increase my security in God and the people around me. well, honestly, i think the book is very true to state that all girls want “to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty”. and that is because God created us this way. (:

many times, i’m always afraid to be honest with myself (this makes me feel that i’m a bit like rei in prodai too, HAHA.) especially when it comes to being more feminine. like how i actually really like skirts and dresses a lot, but then i’m afraid to wear them and i’m afraid of the comments that may come when i choose to wear them. and of course, when it comes to crushes, i’m always afraid to admit that i actually do get blown away by someone other than japanese stars, haha.

figures why i took so long to finally admit that i actually do like someone. HAHA. because it took me just as long to realise that i actually do like the person.

sounds weird to say that i got blown away.. not that i actually got blown away by my current crush.. but he is pretty cute. HAHAHA. this post is so honest..

there are many more things that have went through my mind and i want to pen it down here. there are occasions that i feel that i just want to go home and not care about anything else, because i’m annoyed and tired. and why is it that i’m feeling angry, there is not really a reason. there’s no one to blame, nowhere to vent to. because every one is blameless, just being who they are. but then sometimes its not that easy to accept all the actions done or words spoken by the people around you. and this always happens..when i’m in my cg.

i know that i have to love my cg. and i’ve been trying and still trying. but it is really hard because they are really very different from me. i don’t like what they enjoy, i don’t like what they talk about. time and again, i question why am i in pjcg? but the answer is already there and it will remain that way, it was God’s will and moreover, i was the one who made the choice myself.

yesterday, i was feeling awkward that i was joining sandy’s cg before service. but its not because i feel weird with the people in sandy’s cg. it was because i know that i’m comfortable when i’m with them, i’d rather be with them. i know that it was okay because we are one family, we are a unit. but it’s not okay anymore, because i’m closer and enjoy the company of my unit mates more that my own cg members. that’s why i felt awkward, that’s why i was afraid and i was feeling guilty.

and back to sharing how i really feel…it is really hard for me to be completely honest about how i feel towards my cg. because i don’t want to look like i’m complaining but yet not doing anything about it. but there isn’t much that i can do, i can’t change what they like and what they talk about. they are just being themselves and i can only accept and try to help to grow their love for the things of God more. but its really not easy to accept. i have enough of hearing such things when i’m in the world. why, do i have to hear such things in cg as well? it’s even harder to influence, because i’m not a person that they would want to be friends with if i’m not in the cg.

ahhh, i have been feeling a lot na ~ anyway, God, please increase my dependence on you! especially so, when melancholy monster is always haunting me. God, draw me closer to you and help me to love others as you love them. and through the week, i think that God has been helping me to grow by letting go of my hand again. i didn’t really feel much of God’s presence this week, but yet i know of His existance and how He is helping me here and there. i see His fingerprints but i don’t feel close to Him though i know He’s near. it’s not a very nice experience but it helps you grow. and i think He’s once again, helping me to grow in my compassion for the lost out there, who know there is a God but yet is unable to reach Him.

and it has helped me love reading the Word more, because the closest i feel to Him is when i read the Word. so you see, how can one even doubt God’s existence? even when He lets go, He leaves behind His fingerprints to guide you close to Him! (:

of course, it helps to have the gift of faith..haha!

God is my provider(:

i seriously have no idea what am i doing online at this hour when i should already be sleeping, considering i have to get to school by 8.30am tomorrow. HAHA.
but i just can’t miss an opportunity to catch up with ing-chan who i rarely chance upon online considering the large time difference between singapore and london.

anyway, here to drop by, to say that God really provides! :D
i am really the poorest foreigner you can identify in the whole of singapore now, considering my bank account only has $6.67 and there is not a single cent in my wallet nor is there any spare notes around my room. only my HEROES camp savings which i am NOT going to touch at all.

and thus, i really have no money to even eat, lol.
i am supposed to have PW meeting today at sam’s house and i was intending to wake up earlier to eat a heavy breakfast at home so that i can survive the day. unfortunately, i woke up late and i wasn’t able to eat anything at all at home. had to rush to yishun without anything but a packet of snack to sustain me. haha..

pretty bad start to the day, and was complaining about having to wake up early to do PW.

but God really showed me his grace and how he provides! despite waking up late for PW meeting, i was still able to get a free lunch at sam’s house! sam’s mother was really kind to us, and ordered pizza for us to eat for lunch. i ate my fill and was super satisfied! thank God for sam’s mother! HAHA.

and on top of that, PW meeting went pretty well and it wasn’t as unenjoyable as i thought! (: then went to SMU for a study/work session. mel paid for my dinner and i really thank God for this family which i know, is always there to help whenever i need it. (:

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

God, help me to depend on you more and more especially as i feel myself getting more vulnerable each day. help me to find my strength in you, and be strong in you. (:

kami-sama wa daisuki da yo! HAHA.