HELLO

If you are wondering why this blog died, its because I’ve been blogging at:

http://milalalami.livejournal.com 

haha! :D 

 

 

in the light of God’s love

loneliness may still persist, problems will still exist and feelings of insecurity and inadequacy remains but mila ariel will be okay, because i am living in the light of God’s love. :)

i wasn’t able to focus properly in worship today. i was distracted by many random thoughts, thoughts that are rather negative. and i was distracted by a stupid disgusting nagging voice in my head that is making me more and more doubtful, more and more confused.

deep in my heart, i know that i really love God (not boasting) and there is this commitment to hold on to Him. i know that He is a God who is not worth giving up for anything else in the world. although going through my life now is still painful, i am not willing to let go of God’s hand.

i yearn so much to be able to feel God’s love freely. but i was bound, by that stupid voice. i yearn so much to believe God’s promises and focus on Him. i have seen the fingerprints of His love in my life. everywhere, its evident. i see the signs of His kindness that i so don’t deserve everyday. but that voice is preventing me from doing trusting Him fully. and its IRRITATING. i hate myself for not being able to trust and feel God freely despite wanting so much to do so. :(

i asked God for a word but i didn’t receive it. instead i see myself and the place where i stood was all grey. i look up at the sky and it was overcast with huge massive grey clouds and i cried out, Father, Father.

but i am not saying that God didn’t answer. God did through sermon. and its there again, the signs of His kindness. He will take care of me, He will relieve my pain and heal my hurt and meet my needs.

He let the sunshine into my life yet again and He made me smile. (:

i see myself once again during altar call. my surroundings are still grey and the sky is still overcast. but the spot where i stood, was illuminated with a bright ray of sunshine. i was flooded in a gentle but bright ray of light and i couldn’t help but look up to the source of the light and smile. because i know it is the light of my Father’s love.

i am going to be okay because i live in the light of God’s love, nee?

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letter to the devil

Hello Mr Devil,
Thank you very much for the very nice reminder you had for me. I think you are maliciously despicable, always sneaking up on unsuspecting people with lies like that. I was having a nice, hot shower to unwind myself and to talk to my dear Father and I don’t need to have anyone whispering comments like “isn’t it because of God that is causing you to have such difficulties in your life..?” in a disgusting voice such as yours in my head. Indeed it was you, no one else can be as stunningly horrid as yourself.

I really hand it down to you, how you had mustered the art of using the people’s weaknesses and lies to bring them down to your stupid world where people only live a life of futility. Ah. I understand now, that is why you like to make your mostly-futile attempts to bring down those in God’s family. Because you live a life of futility.

I don’t know how you can survive, making people lose themselves and their identity and you giving them the purpose of destroying themselves. Well, thank you very much for your very kind offer but I am not going to be won over to your world because although I am struggling, I know that my Father is worth suffering everything for. I’d prefer to go through all these things and come out victorious with a character closer to Christ’s own instead of living a life of sin, pleasure and at the end of the day, self-destruction and emptiness.

Well, its getting late now and I have some homework that needs to be done. By the way, I think you had forgotten one very important thing and that is, God still loves you. I better get going now, good night.

Yours Sincerely,

Mila Ariel Palamita

2009 with God!

2009 brings about a new start, a new hope, new challenges and new breakthroughs that will come to pass. :)

I have lots of mixed feelings regarding the start of school, I have no desire to go back to school and face my horrid classmates but then again, a part of me wants them to realize the futility of the life that they are living. A part of me still wants to reach out to them and let them know that there is a better, more meaningful life. With God.

But i’ve no idea how to do that either because they have already shown how much they dislike me too obviously and i have also shown them a bit of my dislike for them…so its going to be awkward but then, who knows, God will lead the way, yea?

I have no desire to go back to boring lectures and mundane tutorials as well, and definitely not ready to face the life of a J2. I am afraid for my studies, i have barely completed my homework, let alone revisions on J1 work. But whether I’m ready or not, I have to face it and the best way to do that is with God.

But there’s one thing I’m excited about for school, and that is reaching out to new people, especially when the J1s come along. HOHO!

For now, its a week of settling into this new year with God,
a week of completing as much homework as possible,
a week of getting myself ready for the new school term ahead,
a week of getting myself ready for a new round of outreaching and sowing,
a week of studying as much as I can for review tests and my Japanese mid-term test,
a week of aligning my hopes and trust in God’s plans.

“I’ve seen enough to know,
that You’re my only hope,
I don’t want to go, if You’re not with me..”

2008

2008 has been a year which I had started right with God but one that along the way, although still places God in my vision, started to take things in my own hands.

2008 has been a year of changes, situations and circumstances which I have never experienced before when I was still under the umbrella of the St.Margies family. As I go through changes after changes, situations after situations and circumstances after circumstances, insecurity built up and up and grew into pride. I was swept up in my own self-pity and my pride that I forgot what was God’s will for me, entertaining thoughts that I should never had especially that of escapism.

I took things in my own hands, I never shared my struggles and whatever that was inside me. I thought I could settle things on my own, I was selective when it came to outreach, I thought I was better than others, I was afraid to show others (even my friends) my vulnerability, afraid what people would think of me, afraid of judgments.

Despite not fitting into the group I was supposed to fit into, God blessed me with friends within the church who I enjoy being with and where I can fit into. These friendships God gave, and I enjoyed but I didn’t trust enough. I didn’t trust enough to tell them my struggles and they only grew and grew. Then it only came to me so recently that if I had trusted these friendships enough earlier, they would have helped me grow and overcome my struggles and I wouldn’t be in such a stupid cui state like this.

Although 2008 was a year of cuiness, and one that I took things in my own hands, it shall not end so. 2008 is going to end right with God as well, for I (finally) acknowledge my pride, my struggles, my vulnerability and His will for me. And now though I am afraid, and I know its not going to be easy,  I go on a journey in which I will go towards growth, breakthroughs and breaking out of my shell.

My God is not worth giving up for anything in this world, Mila Ariel will choose to smile and hold on to her God’s mighty hands.  :)

HEROES! are you on the list?

the long awaited HEROES camp is already over! :(

in anyway, camp was really awesome, God was really moving BIG time in people’s hearts (including my sheep!! :D). felt that camp was really different this time round and many people said that too. i have no idea why, but it really has been different in a very, very awesome way. :D i’ve learned a whole lot, not only about God this camp, but also about myself, as well as my own service to God.

but i don’t deny that there were times that i felt really cui in this camp, but i know that God is testing me in the area of dependence on Him. there were times that i felt so insignificant and so un-needed. its really not easy, and the “temptation” of giving up is really very inviting. its not about God, definitely NOT. i never want to leave the church. but its just that its not easy and pretty painful when you don’t feel belonged to where you are supposed to belong, but then you know you cannot go to the people that you enjoy being with because its not where you belong to. haha, if you even get what i mean..

first day of camp and God has already engraved in my heart the importance of humility. and i’m going to be really honest here, i am a person that never thought that i would struggle with pride. but God let me see the BIG picture, this whole time, i have been struggling with pride, without even knowing that i have pride as an issue. the ironic thing is that i was so proud, i never thought that i was proud.

God has let me see, what is REAL pride, which i don’t proudly say, i struggle with it. God has also let me realize that insecurity (which was something i know i struggle with), leads to pride. and that is also why, i am in this whole situation in the first place. :(

Moses was proud when he took things in his own hands and killed the egyptian who was beating his fellow hebrew. and all this time i had been proud, when i always thought i can settle things on my own, when i think i can take it in my own hands and not go to my shepherd. because of my insecurity in opening up to others and tell others my struggles and wrongdoings, i took things in my own hands, and it (insecurity) grew and it grew and it grew to pride.

Pride comes in when you say “i can’t” to God’s will for you because it is equivalent to saying to God that God can’t use you in that area. I need to learn, to be humble in accepting God’s plans and will for me, and to know that i need Him to be victorious. I had always known and understood that i need God to be victorious, but all these while, i had not been humble enough to accept God’s will for me in PJ.

I had not looked into my own heart and see that pride in me, all those times that i thought i was better… Gosh, God. I am really such a sinner. :( God, please don’t let this continue on, and help me God, to grow in my humility. Humility to embrace your will for me, humility in trusting in them and to learn from them and humility in letting others see my vulnerability by opening my heart to others.

God and my dear shepherd and whoever who bothered to read this, please keep me accountable!!

God spoke through Esther, who taught me the importance of humility as well. Yes, it was mainly about courage, but in the first place, we can’t even talk about courage to face God’s challenge for us when we don’t even have the humility to even accept God’s will and challenges for us. Esther was fearful but she took humility, accepted what was God’s plan for her, and took courage in facing that challenge.

Abraham taught me about focusing in the spiritual and not the natural. And i would never forget Pastor Jeff’s words, “Do you love God more than you love your comfort zone?”

It’s really time to face it eh, no more taking refuges, no more blaming it on my personality. Yes, i am an introvert, i am not a sanguine but it’s time to get out of my comfort and combat. For as Gideon has said, its not that you can’t evangelize if you don’t have the gift of evangelism, its not that you must have that gift in order to serve in that area. NO! its high time to shake off the phlegmatic nature and go out there to my combat zone.

Now that i think of it, all of them heroes have great humility in them don’t they? Moses, Abraham, Esther, David, Paul. and as mervin had said, all church leaders are very humble people. do you see the importance of humility as God had showed me this camp?

And i am really encouraged by my sheep. She has grown so, so much and i know that it was God that worked through her heart. Was really amazed by her when zixin was talking to the J1s and she said that PJ need one more person to complete CG08.

zixin: “PJ, need just one more!”

vivian: “one more?”

me: “well, someone isn’t very stable..”

vivian: “no, i think we need lots more!”

me (shocked and happy beyond words): “hmm! very good thinking there!”

Isn’t that amazing? From one whose face fell whenever we talked about outreach to one that desires more to know Jesus. And that’s not all, she told me that through the camp, she has been unawarely praying about wanting to take care of people during worship. Clearly, it was the Holy Spirit that put that in her heart. She even told me she responded to wanting to take on a higher responsibility in the church, she wants to be a shepherd! :D

and that’s not all, she broke out in tongues during worship. amazing eh!

Realize through this camp that i’m always wrong in the things that i thought God would be unhappy with, such as my fangirling (hehheh), but no. it’s beyond that. God looks at the heart and He is concerned about that plank in my eye, that pride in my heart that is hindering me from so much more growth. And i know he’s with me to overcome it all.

God, help me to grow (in humility, courage and loyalty) and keep me accountable please! and i know the days ahead are going to be full of testings (it already started during lunch after breaking camp) but i will hold on because my God is worth holding on for. :D

middle of the night and i am hungry…dame dame.

Brisbane, o Beautiful Brisbane

Touched down last night from Beautiful Brisbane and i would be lying if i were to say i’m ecstatic to be back in Sunny Singapore. Had pretty mixed feelings as I really didn’t want to say good-bye to brisbane but yet, i’m also glad that i’m back in singapore. haha!

Queensland is really a beautiful state and i enjoyed myself a lot on this trip. It has been a very fruitful and enriching one, the only turn-off was some horrid classmates and bad weather. This trip has also gotten me to find out more about myself.

this trip has gotten me to go through lots of first-time and once-in-a-lifetime experiences and i definitely learned a lot, a lot. :) i am already missing brisbane! and when i woke up this morning, i felt weird that it wasn’t lovely oxygen apartments that i was in but my messy messy bedroom, haha

i would say that i enjoyed myself most during the stay in Moreton Bay’s North Stradbroke Island, where we get to see and feel God’s natural creations. the island was barely touched by humans and that’s what makes it best. the experiences i got on this island is one i can never get in an urban city. i got drenched in a temperate forest, saw a window lake and a perched lake, walked through rocky shores which are covered in oysters, walked through the seabed at low tide, saw colonies of soldier crabs, walked through the gorges and saw 3 Manta Rays gliding through the sea.

I enjoyed movie world too, and studying in University of Queensland is really an inviting idea, haha. the campus is beautiful and besides, they are a pretty good university. :D

okay, will blog more about that beautiful state called queensland with photos after i finished my homework.

wow, i just came back and already, i have to do homework. singapore is indeed stressful..

私もケンゾウのようですね。

(watashi mo kenzou no you desu ne.
= i’m also pretty much like kenzou, aren’t i ?)

i’ve finally finished watching proposal daisakusen and i really love this drama. definitely one that i would like to re-watch again and again. (: it helps that kenzou is so cute. HAHA.

and i really love pi and all his drama characters! from the retardedly cute but always honest and trusting akira, the superbly cool and shut himself away from all people kurosaki and of course, kenzou who is actually very yasashi but always not showing it. (: but i still hate pi’s curly-wurly hair and i hope johnny-san will get a new stylist soon. seriously, pi’s hair, ryo’s hair and matsujun’s new hair are all horrid. pi should totally go back to the kenzou hair, hoho!

anyway, after watching prodai and reflecting on how life have been for the past week has made me realise that i’m actually pretty much like kenzou myself. kenzou is a person that does not talk much, and does not share much about what is going through within him with his friends. he has a group of great friends who never fails to bring him laughter and joy and he knows that he is loved. but yet he doesn’t initiate to share what are his true feelings and sometimes he is pretty unnoticed and silent.

and i realise i’m like that as well. i am always pretty silent. i don’t really talk much and i don’t initiate to share my deepest emotions and thoughts and whatever that is going on within me. if there are things that i’m sharing about, its pretty much about everyday life, nothing deep. i know that i do have friends who love me and they do bring me laughter and joy, but then i don’t initiate to share to them my thoughts and feelings either, and i don’t deny that sometimes i feel pretty unnoticed.

but it’s not that my friends are unapproachable. i think that the reason why i don’t initiate sharing my thoughts and feelings and whatever that is going through in my heart is probably because i don’t know if people actually want to know about them. that’s why i will only share when my friends actually question me. i don’t like to initiate telling people deep stuff because i don’t know if they will be interested to even know.

i suppose that this has something got to do with my own insecurity as well. but then sometimes, i really can’t help but to feel unnoticed, be it with the clique in school or even the group of good friends that i have in church. maybe unnoticed is not the word, but i feel that people are not interested to know what is really going through in my life because no one asks anything. honestly speaking, sometimes it makes me kind of sad. haha. and i know that i would try to mask any signs of sadness because i don’t want anyone to worry about me but i don’t deny there are times that i am sad that no one notices my sadness.

o my, no wonder melancholy monster has been haunting me.. HAHA. i’m so emo!

i think i’m going to invest in a copy of the book Captivating, because i think i need such a book to increase my security in God and the people around me. well, honestly, i think the book is very true to state that all girls want “to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty”. and that is because God created us this way. (:

many times, i’m always afraid to be honest with myself (this makes me feel that i’m a bit like rei in prodai too, HAHA.) especially when it comes to being more feminine. like how i actually really like skirts and dresses a lot, but then i’m afraid to wear them and i’m afraid of the comments that may come when i choose to wear them. and of course, when it comes to crushes, i’m always afraid to admit that i actually do get blown away by someone other than japanese stars, haha.

figures why i took so long to finally admit that i actually do like someone. HAHA. because it took me just as long to realise that i actually do like the person.

sounds weird to say that i got blown away.. not that i actually got blown away by my current crush.. but he is pretty cute. HAHAHA. this post is so honest..

there are many more things that have went through my mind and i want to pen it down here. there are occasions that i feel that i just want to go home and not care about anything else, because i’m annoyed and tired. and why is it that i’m feeling angry, there is not really a reason. there’s no one to blame, nowhere to vent to. because every one is blameless, just being who they are. but then sometimes its not that easy to accept all the actions done or words spoken by the people around you. and this always happens..when i’m in my cg.

i know that i have to love my cg. and i’ve been trying and still trying. but it is really hard because they are really very different from me. i don’t like what they enjoy, i don’t like what they talk about. time and again, i question why am i in pjcg? but the answer is already there and it will remain that way, it was God’s will and moreover, i was the one who made the choice myself.

yesterday, i was feeling awkward that i was joining sandy’s cg before service. but its not because i feel weird with the people in sandy’s cg. it was because i know that i’m comfortable when i’m with them, i’d rather be with them. i know that it was okay because we are one family, we are a unit. but it’s not okay anymore, because i’m closer and enjoy the company of my unit mates more that my own cg members. that’s why i felt awkward, that’s why i was afraid and i was feeling guilty.

and back to sharing how i really feel…it is really hard for me to be completely honest about how i feel towards my cg. because i don’t want to look like i’m complaining but yet not doing anything about it. but there isn’t much that i can do, i can’t change what they like and what they talk about. they are just being themselves and i can only accept and try to help to grow their love for the things of God more. but its really not easy to accept. i have enough of hearing such things when i’m in the world. why, do i have to hear such things in cg as well? it’s even harder to influence, because i’m not a person that they would want to be friends with if i’m not in the cg.

ahhh, i have been feeling a lot na ~ anyway, God, please increase my dependence on you! especially so, when melancholy monster is always haunting me. God, draw me closer to you and help me to love others as you love them. and through the week, i think that God has been helping me to grow by letting go of my hand again. i didn’t really feel much of God’s presence this week, but yet i know of His existance and how He is helping me here and there. i see His fingerprints but i don’t feel close to Him though i know He’s near. it’s not a very nice experience but it helps you grow. and i think He’s once again, helping me to grow in my compassion for the lost out there, who know there is a God but yet is unable to reach Him.

and it has helped me love reading the Word more, because the closest i feel to Him is when i read the Word. so you see, how can one even doubt God’s existence? even when He lets go, He leaves behind His fingerprints to guide you close to Him! (:

of course, it helps to have the gift of faith..haha!

plagued

haha..i have no idea why but my life seems to be plagued by melancholy and weariness these few days. God, i’m praying that you’ll take away the weariness after tonight’s good night sleep. You are my source of strength!

melancholy is really making my heart its home right now, and all my joy seems pretty short-lived. once i’m on my own, the depressing emo-ness will set into my heart and i will feel all insignificant and emo and sad sad sad, kanashii. God, please help me overcome this and be my source of joy. i have You in my heart, my heart should be full of everlasting joy from You and not melancholy. God, please take control!

once again,

神-さま、たすけて！